Moments of Truth

That every day we face. And being honest about it!

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TeeBee for many, Manthru for some, Sunny for a few, Myna for selected, Suresh for record. Hailing from Thrissur of Kerala and now lives (read survives) in Monroe Twp, NJ with wife and daughter.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Marriages happen in heaven!

What is the most important decision that you have taken in your life? It can range from buying a vehicle or building a house or choosing a career to selecting a spouse. Why did I stop there? There you are! If you are still married, it is most likely that now your decisions are influenced. It is not your decisions any more. Its more of a collective decision. The percentage might vary but still it is not your decision exclusively. And what if you have a baby? Thats it! Rewind and think about the most important decision you have taken. Go back in time and learn why it has become so important in your life today.

Love marriages, I have been told and to a certain extent experienced as well, are like climbing the hill. It presents a lot of adventurous opportunities, excitement of reaching new territories, possibilities for exploration and much more. What if the top is reached? Much of the excitement is lost as you can see now clearly how the world looks like. The fog is not there that blinds your eyes. The scenery has lost its charm and the thought of descending the hill makes you sour. The winds are not hot any more as it has become chilly and flows freely. The stars on the sky above you are no longer seen, which you thought might be there throughout, as dark clouds begin to cast their shadow on the horizon. You look for ways to reach the even turf where you will be more comfortable, which you think, to be with your friends and relatives, and search for maps in your luggage. You end up finding a dictionary where divorce comes before marriage. Sounds too discouraging? Not yet!

It is certainly very much interesting to choose the path less travelled. Every path has its own plus and minus. Pros and cons. It unravels the beauty of life with the mix of tricks up its sleeves. How good you are to accept the variety or the diversity that it unveils will make your life a success or failure. Marriage is an institution run by both husband and wife(I do have my opinion on same sex marriages, but will tell about it later). Its no longer an individual and his or her wishes. Its a consensus of the desires where understanding, adjustment, and sacrifice play a big role. There won't be much disagreement on that fact. Now those qualities will need more potential and higher levels of contribution when the spouses are from different background. Economics, Geography,Caste, Religion, Race, Color, Physique, Beauty, Customs and Rituals. More the differences, much more is required to be in sync with the qualities I mentioned. Since love marriages seldom find it, there is a very high chance that it is likely to fail.

What makes love marriages prone to failures more often other than the factors mentioned above? Added responsibility. The couple often find themselves alone to be blamed for the current state they are in. Since it is not easy to blame the self, the other person has to take it and that adds tension. Suddenly the world outside will look brighter. Its natural. Another reason is the social aspect of a marriage. Although marriage is between two individuals, relatives and friends play a big role in the successful run of the institution. Couples from different background find it difficult as it is not only both of them but the entire core around them has to understand, adjust and sacrifice. This would not make life easier. Even if everything works out well, under the roof, with both of them together but alone with their own ego and unwillingness to accept and desire to argue and win ultimately leads to failure of both.

Does that conclude that arranged marriages are better than love marriages? Never! Love marriages fail because the couple who decided to get married have the guts to break it. That is the same guts that made them to get married initially. Arranged marriages have a lot more decision makers involved and it is likely that their constant involvement will induce more strength to overcome the difficulties they face in life. Divorces might be happening more with love marriages because they are willing to say good bye for the better of both. It is possible that more and more arranged marriages still continue for the sake of it although it is much more in a distress state. The couple usually get very little time to understand each other in arranged marriages and if they find love after marriage, that is good for them. Although the background will be much more suitable, still the person has to be willing to accept the other the way he or she is. The true character of a person, as spouse, will be much more different than what it is otherwise, will come up only after the marriage has happened. Fights, differences of opinion, learning of choices and abilities might already have happened in love marriages whereas it will come as a shock for the newly weds in the arranged version. So basically both sets find themselves up the hill one time or the other, a pair of individuals who knew each other before or not.

What is the choice once you find yourself up the hill? You can remain there as long as you wish. You never feared the rain or thunderstorms before, why do you fear them now? Nothing has changed much. You can enjoy your descend the same way you have climbed the hill. Choose a different side and separate path. Alternatively you can climb further up as most find it quite often. You think you have not cared for your relatives or friends. Or that they did or did not help you reach there up. Go back to them. If they were your true friends, if they were your true relatives, you will find them happier to find you in shape. You will be glad to be with them the same way they feel. Do you feel a difference now than it was before? Naturally. You have a hand closer to you. Were your days the same always so far? No! It is bound to change and thats where the beauty of life lies. You will find the sky brighter and the stars closer if you are not alone. Life is a journey that you will enjoy more if you have a companion. Get one, if you have not already, and keep them closer. Forever!!!

2 Comments:

Blogger chathan said...

I used to be a supporter of love marriages. My view changed mostly due to a comment you made in one of our brahms discussions. You told about Nandan bhai's view about love and infatuation.
" When you see a person an fall in love, this may be because this person may have some features that is similar to another person whom you know for a long time and like. Then you will superimpose all the good traits of this person to the new person you met. Then you will start liking this person.The new person may not have these qualities which you assuming."
This is called duck typing in programing.
" If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it is a duck".
It is quite normal that your comments changed my views and you views are still intact.

6:58 AM  
Blogger Myna said...

Dear Chathan,

Thanks for being the first one to post a reply, a valid one, to this blog. Our memoirs usually miss some points and it is good to get reminded of them.

Nandan bhai might be true. There are some qualities, physical or other, that makes one to like another. Love can be so blind that they might superimpose the traits they wish to see, not necessarily they had seen before in another person. Natural, eh?

Doesn't it feel good to marry somebody whom you know for a period of time than somebody whom you have met just recently? My point is that. Can be love or arranged marriage, but know what you are getting! Does it make sense?

4:41 PM  

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